


Run

by Lady_Eris



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Season 2 spoilers, typical attack on titan violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:22:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28948107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Eris/pseuds/Lady_Eris
Summary: after the truth about the colossal and armored titan comes out you have to make a choice. is your heart with the scouts or with bertholdt?
Relationships: Bertolt Hoover/Reader
Comments: 11
Kudos: 71





	1. Chapter 1

It was the screams of the titans around you that woke you up. As soon as you opened your eyes you grabbed your head, the light from the sun sending a wave of pain through you.. You had to get out of here, you had to find the other scouts, you had to find someone. Getting out of the open was the only way for you to survive, if you were out here for too long a titan would notice you. You knew that. Forcing yourself up off your back the first thing you noticed was the blood. You were caked in it, it stuck to your hands and your pants and it wasn’t hard to figure out it was human blood. 

Wide eyes finally looked around you and you started shaking. The bodies of the squad you’d been with were around you. Some of them were missing body parts, others had been crushed. A cry escaped you as you looked over at the half eaten body of a garrison soldier. She’d been the one to pull you onto her horse, she’d been the one who said she was going to head back to the wall with you. Then what happened? After that it went blank. 

Once again shock went through you as you remembered. Bertholdt and Reiner. Titans, the titans who’d destroyed the wall. They transformed in front of you as you stood there and did nothing. Eren was captured, Ymir was captured and you did nothing. All you could do was stare into those green eyes wondering why. Why he’d lied to you. Why he’d done it. Why he’d never told you. You’d loved him; he’d said he loved you but he let you believe a lie. Or was it a lie? The way he cried and yelled at you all, asking someone to find him, saying he didn’t want to be this. But after that? After that what? You were laying among dead bodies, covered in blood and all you could remember was the look in Bertholdt’s eyes. 

Another yell from a titan shook you from those memories. Across the field was a group of titans, all of them around… the armored titan. That was it. Commander Erwin charged in with a horde of titans to stop Reiner. The Garrison woman who’d picked you up was hit and then it went dark. Dark because you’d been on the same horse as her and when she was downed so we’re you. That had to be why no one else was here. They had to think you were dead. They wouldn’t have left you. Right? Panic filled you again as you stood up, maybe they didn’t care if you were dead. If they thought you were working with Bertholdt they might have wanted you dead. 

Tears fell down your cheeks as you doubled over emptying the contents of your stomach. The smell of blood, the pain in your head and the idea that… no one cared if you were alive coming at you all at once. A sob tore through you as you fell to your knees, you didn’t want to die like this. Betrayed and abandoned, the scouts were supposed to finally be your family. Bertholdt was supposed to save you from this, he’d promised you that he would. You believed him, he was so nice and so good that when you told him things, even though he didn’t always say much back you thought you knew him. 

The sad ways he looked at you when he thought you weren’t looking, but you always were. Since the first day you were looking at him. He was so quiet and shy but you were determined. Maybe he was trying not to get too close to people, knowing what he’d done, what he was. But you pushed, you just had to push. You never left things alone, you were desperate for that feeling he gave you and now you were out here left for the titans. Maybe it was some kind of justice, justice that burned you as you stared at your blood covered hands against the ground under you. 

Another roar. This time from the Armored Titan, it was pushing against the others. Trying to get away from them. Bertholdt was there. The fear that you felt wasn’t for you, it was for him. Even knowing what he was, what he’d done your heart still betrayed you. Your body shook as you stopped yourself from trying to go forward. What could you even do? Run in there and die for someone who you weren’t even sure ever actually cared about you? 

That wasn’t true though, it couldn’t be true. Bertholdt… he’d said he wanted to go back to his home, wanted you to see his home. Whatever home that was, the one they wanted to take Eren to. It was the reason Bertholdt and Reiner joined the military they’d said, to take their home back. You could remember exactly when he’d told you he wanted you to go home with him. 

The two of you had been sitting outside after dinner, the sun was going down and you were just sitting there with him, talking about something you’d done wrong with the ODM gear. You were angry about it, you were a full scout now and you couldn’t make those mistakes. If it had happened when the female titan attacked you’d have been killed. You’d said that, mentioned Annie, and then he said it. When he told you that he wished you could come home with him. You’d assumed he meant after taking back Wall Maria which was the goal of the scouts but now you knew that wasn’t the case.

His home was somewhere else, somewhere with other people. That meant that there was life outside the walls. It didn’t seem possible, it wasn’t supposed to be possible but you’d watched the love of your life turn into the colossal titan right in front of you. Nothing made sense anymore, accepting that was the only thing you could do right now. Everyone thought they knew what the world was, it wasn’t that easy. It went from people being able to be titans, titans in the walls and now there was a whole world out there that you didn’t even know existed. 

Your hands shook at your sides as you watched the armored titan and Ymir’s titans pushed through the others. Did that mean Christa was with them? That was the only way Ymir would go with them, but you didn’t think they’d ever abandon Christa, not even to Ymir. Reiner and Ymir were titans but Bertholdt… he was human, you could still see the hand over Reiner’s neck where he was protecting Bertholdt, trying to keep the titans from attacking him. Clenching your jaw you watched the two of them fight to get away. You should run, you couldn’t do anything to help and you didn’t know what they’d do if you did try to help them. Maybe you were the enemy to them as well. 

Stepping backwards you winced as you bumped against one of the bodies and another weak cry left you. You couldn’t look down, you didn’t want to see any faces you knew. All you’d known was losing people you joined the scouts to help stop that. You didn’t want anyone else to have to feel the same pain you did. It was a mistake. Joining the scouts did nothing but lose you everything now. Even Bertholdt. If you’d joined the Garrison you wouldn’t even know. They could tell you some story about him being dead and you’d hate it but you’d be okay. Being a scout put you right next to his betrayal. It put you right in front of it as Mikasa slashed his throat and he stared at you.

Tearing your eyes away from the battling titans in front of you, you looked up at the trees above you. That was your escape, if you could get in the trees you could figure out where to go. Right now the titans were all focused on Reiner and Ymir, they didn’t notice anything else. Tapping the tanks on your ODM gear you swore under your breath when you realized one of the tanks was almost empty. That left only one option. 

Letting out a shaking breath you quickly tossed the almost empty tanks onto the grass before you had to truly look at the scene in front of you. One of the bodies would have at least one full tank. You just had to find out which ones. Falling to your knees in front of one of them you ignored the stench of blood getting stronger when you took their ODM gear. “Fuck.” The gear was too damaged to use it. Steadying your hands you had to go through three different corpses before you could find two tanks that actually had gas in them. Ignoring the way the canisters slid against your hands from the blood you double-checked the rest of your gear before you shot up into one of the trees.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for loss of limb, it's not graphic but it's there.

Once you were up in the trees you collapsed against the trunk. Holding your hands over your eyes you didn’t even care that you were going to get blood on your face. Maybe if you go lucky you could find a stream and wash yourself off. That would be dangerous but the smell and the feeling of the blood was starting to be too much. If you waited for the sun to go down then it should be okay to make a quick stop, or if the titans all kept their focus on the other three. Right now you needed to catch your breath. 

Catch your breath and try to think rationally about this, you had to figure out how to get out of here. Figure out what you were really going to do. If the scouts left you here to die, if they didn’t think to check on you after everything you’d been through together that might mean that they thought you were with Reiner and Bertholdt. You hadn’t known anything, when Reiner said it you’d been there in shock. Jean had to grab you when the two transformed, you didn’t even try to save yourself. If it hadn’t been for him you’d probably have let the blast kill you. At least Jean had to know you weren’t with them. If you’d been with them you would have acted, tried to get to them but that didn’t happen. 

If you tried to find your way back to the scouts you’d be questioned, you knew that. Whatever they believed you knew the MP wouldn’t trust you, that was for sure. You were too close to Bertholdt and you were a scout. The Military Police had been at odds with the Scouts since the incident with Eren, maybe even before that. What would happen to you if you didn’t give them the answers they wanted? Would they just look at it as an excuse to take something from the Scouts and just get rid of you for precaution? You didn’t know, you wouldn’t know until you went back. 

Then the other option. Letting your hands fall from your face you watched as the two titan shifters worked their way through the mindless ones. They were the other option. The idea was probably even more terrifying. With them there was so much more, they might hurt you too, kill you as easily as the military police would. But having it be Bertholdt, that would be so much worse. Not only was there the chance of him admitting he’d never felt anything for you, there could also just be the rejection. Maybe he did care but not enough to actually want you to stay with him. You couldn’t even start to imagine what it would be like if he decided you were a threat to them and decided to kill you himself. You couldn’t imagine the Bertholdt you knew doing that. But was that Bertholdt even real? 

Just the thought of that made your stomach churn, everything you’d shared, every moment and every secret you told him could have all been for nothing. If everything he did was just a lie you didn’t know how you’d take it. You wanted the man you knew to be real, he lied about where he was from and about who he was but could he really have lied about everything he said when you were alone? He told you about his father being sick, about losing one of his friends, about so many things. But how much of it was real and how much did he lie about? You didn’t want to think about that, you didn’t want to face what might be true. 

You’d put so much on him, it was unfair of you to put that much weight on someones shoulders when they didn’t ask for it. Bertholdt knew that he’d saved you, when you first joined the military you didn’t expect to live long, you didn’t care if you did either. Choosing the scouts was just your ticket to either save people or die trying. You’d lost your mother before Wall Maria fell and then your father had been a part of the first operation to retake the wall. Both of them were taken from you and when you found the 104th and Bertholdt specifically, you needed them. You clung to them and they let you. He let you. 

Having that all ripped away from you was a nightmare and now it was real life. You had to pick, the scouts and your friends who might suspect you or Bertholdt who could have lied about everything. Both had dangers and were full of uncertainties, but you couldn’t stay here. The longer you waited in this tree the more of a chance you took for titans to notice you. There was a small comfort in that knowledge, that you refused to just lay down and die. 

When you first watched the two transform you didn’t care if you died. The sting of betrayal freezing you in place, making you wonder what you’d done to deserve this. Even when Connie did grab you, you didn’t try to save yourself. You watched and you followed them and listened to Bertholdt’s reasoning. You were almost numb to it the whole time. But now there was something inside you pushing you on. Whatever it was you couldn’t exactly say but it drove you on and refused to let you stop.

Another roar. This time from Ymir as she bit the nape of a titan at Reiner’s legs. Giving him a moment of freedom to make another move forward. Bertholdt was slowing them down. If Reiner could use both hands they would be able to get away from everything easier. Your blood chilled at the thought, would they leave him? If he was dead weight would they use him to get away. Even knowing that he’d betrayed you, betrayed all of you the thought of him dying was too much. What would you do if you watched him die? The rational part of your mind was telling you that you’d accept it and take your chance to flee. But the louder part was saying that you’d jump in, you’d join the hopeless fight and die alongside him. 

If Bertholdt transformed they’d be safe right? The colossal titan could stop all of them easier than Reiner and Ymir could. The colossal titan had destroyed the wall, a few titans were nothing. What if he couldn’t transform though? You knew Eren was exhausted after his transformations and his titan was much smaller than Bertholdts. If that even had anything to do with it, you didn’t know how this worked. But what other reason would he have for not transforming and saving himself unless he couldn’t. 

Reiner raised the hand covering Bertholdt and you felt your heart stop. This was it. You’d watch him die and there was nothing you could do about it. Your whole body shook, waiting for Reiner to drop him, to throw him, something. But that didn’t come. Instead, Reiner grabbed the head of a 7 meter titan in front of him and squeezed, killing it. They were finally moving, actually moving, fighting against the mindless titans and pushing themselves through them to whatever freedom they were looking for. 

Watching them move you knew you had to make your choice, go back to the scouts and the people who’d become your family or the man who you loved, the one who saved you. How much of what he said was to save himself, when he was confronted. How much was actually a lie? That was what you had to decide, the choice you had to make. The scouts were probably near Wall Rose by now and Bertholdt and the others were getting further away from the titans attacking them. Closing your eyes you shot out away from the tree, catching into the next one, flying through the air towards the wall. 

Towards Wall Maria. That was where Bertholdt was heading, that was where you had to go. No matter the consequences you had to know the truth. There was really no other option in the end. He said the things he’d wanted weren’t a lie, that he’d really been everyone's friend. That had to mean he really loved you. And if that was a lie you had to know. Both options put you in the face of death, both were dangerous but it wasn’t worth it if you didn’t at least give him a chance to explain. If he didn’t care for you, if he never had cared for you, deserved an explanation. 

The first thing you needed to do was get at least a little cleaned off. While the titan’s were distracted chasing the other three you could take your chance. After that you’d wait until night to start moving again, they’d have to take a break, you knew from Eren that the titan shifters could only go on for so long. The best option for them all was to stop at the wall or take a chance in one of the towns if they could find one they deemed safe enough. It would be hard to do that though, so the logical stop was the wall. 

You knew the land around here, you were from Wall Maria so finding a small stream wouldn’t be too hard. You couldn’t imagine how hard it would be if you didn’t know the area, you didn’t know exactly where Bertholdt, Reiner and Ymir would stop but finding a giant armored titan probably wouldn’t be too hard. You’d get cleaned up and then try to stay as close to them as you could while staying a safe distance from the titans. If you lost track of them you could probably follow the titans to find them. Whatever was keeping the titans focused on them was one of the only things keeping you at least relatively safe right now. 

Beyond the wall you knew you were never safe, that was the first step of trying to survive. You had to always be looking and ready to act in an instant. That was why you stayed as high in the trees as you could while you headed towards the closest river you knew of. Stopping against the trunk of the tree you looked around, it was pretty open so you should be able to see a titan but that meant if one caught you by surprise getting away wouldn’t be easy. But you had to take the chance, the smell of blood was making you nauseous and there was no way you’d be able to get that far with that scent following you around. 

You were able to clean yourself up quickly, there wasn’t any getting the blood off of your clothes but you could clean your hands and face off. You felt a little better after that, the scent of death wasn’t as prevalent around you. There wasn’t the constant reminder that because of Bertholdt and Reiner people you knew were dead. You would have to accept that though, if you were going to find him and give him a chance to talk, to explain everything then you had to accept that he had killed people. He was the reason thousands were dead. It wasn’t something you could run from. 

Getting back in the trees as quickly as you could you looked around trying to find where the three of them went. You didn’t want to give them a chance to get beyond the walls if they wanted to. Eventually they’d have to leave but hopefully they’d be too tired to leave right away. It would be safe for them away from the scouts, they’d already gone back and aside from that there would be no way they’d risk going all the way to Wall Maria for them. They had Eren and hopefully Christa, otherwise they’d still be out here fighting. 

For as long as you could, you stayed in the trees and kept moving towards the wall. When night came you could make bigger moves across the fields but for now this was what you could do. You’d lost track of Reiner now, you had to take your chance to clean up while the titans you could see were distracted. You’d been relying on being able to hear them but that soon fell silent too. The distance you could go in your ODM gear was by far shorter than a 15 meter titan who could run straight to the walls. Even with the titans catching up to them it was easier than the waiting you had to do. 

When you finally got close to the wall you had to stop. You would have to go through one of the towns to get to the wall if you wanted to stay in the air and it wasn’t safe. In the towns and broken buildings there could be titans anywhere and you’d have no way to see them. For now your only option was waiting until the sun set and make your way across the field and then up the wall. From there, there was only so many places they could be. And walking the wall would give you a chance to actually think before you confronted him. When you decided to follow Bertholdt it was almost without thinking. Even now you had no idea what to even ask him other than why. 

When the sun finally fell it was your time. You had to run, even if you hadn’t seen any titans there was no room for mistakes or slacking. The ODM gear would slow you down but taking it off wasn’t an option, you had to have it to get up the wall and to try to fling yourself forward if a titan got near you. Taking a few deep breaths you looked around the field, double-checking for titans before you jumped down from the tree and ran. 

You were a soldier, you’d trained for things like this, you’d been put through hell to help you survive any kind of scenario you could end up in, in the field. But none of the training really prepared you for the feeling of the heavy ODM gear hitting against your legs, the hypervigilance you had to have to make sure nothing got near you. You tried to not make too much noise as you ran, controlled your breathing the best you could but the ODM gear made enough noise that it didn’t really matter how quiet you were. 

Every movement of a bush was almost enough to make you jump, your heart pounding in your chest as you kept running. Not even watching Bertholdt and Reiner transform to the fear coursing through you right now. There was nothing near for you to latch onto if you did see a titan, it was just you and the flat land around you and every second you were down here there was a chance that a titan could come out of no where. You’d seen it before, seen them grab someone when no one saw them, you’d seen Hange’s titan move around at night, not caring that the sun wasn’t out. Abnormals could do almost anything. 

Out of the corner of your eye you spotted movement, for a moment you almost let yourself think it was an animal but no. Tears filled your eyes when you realized you were looking at a titan. It was far away from you but it was coming closer, ten meters? Maybe more you couldn’t tell. All you could do was push on. Your legs burned, your lungs burned as you did. Through tears, you looked around, trying to find something big enough to use your gear on but there was nothing. You could hear it getting closer, the heavy footsteps getting closer and closer to being the last thing you ever heard. 

Looking behind you, you took the chance that you might be slowed down to see if there was any way you could just attack it from the ground but the way it was running, it’s arms flailing at it’s sides, you’d get knocked around before you could make a killing move. If you were like Mikasa or Reiner maybe you could do it but you weren’t. You weren’t even good enough to make the stupid top ten. You’d killed titans but never from this level, you couldn’t do anything. Just like all those years ago you felt helpless. Felt like you weren’t even worthy of calling yourself a soldier when you were running away from them. 

A scream tore through your lungs when you heard it’s roar and felt the wind from it reaching out towards you. Squeezing your eyes shut you pushed yourself as hard as you could when a yell reached your ears and you were suddenly covered in a hot liquid. You stopped, almost sure that it was your own blood you were feeling, that it had gotten you without you knowing. Dizziness filled your head as you waited for the pain to come, but it never did. There was nothing but the burning steam from the liquid that had covered you. 

Collapsing to your knees your entire body shook as you refused to look behind you, if it was there still, some trick of an abnormal titan. Small whimpers escaped you as you covered your ears with your hands. If you were going to die now you didn’t want to hear it coming. You could die a traitors death for following Bertholdt and Reiner. It was what you deserved for abandoning the scouts, you didn’t deserve to fight back. You’d die, shaking and holding your own head, pretending it wasn’t real. As a coward. 

When something touched you the resolve you had for death suddenly left you. You couldn’t die without a fight, without trying to do something. Traitor or not your body wouldn’t let you just die. Your hand gripped the blade at your side and you spun around, feeling it make contact with your attacker. “Y/N!” 

The blade fell from your hand when you heard his voice. “Bertholdt?” Opening your eyes you stared at him. Was this real or was this what you were seeing after your death? You hands shook as you grabbed onto the front of his sweater, pushing against him. Solid. He was solid. Another cry left you as you collapsed against his chest. Rough sobs shaking your body as you held onto him, your grip on his sweater hurting your hands but you couldn’t let go. 

He’d saved you. Again he was your savior, stepping in and being strong when you couldn’t be and putting himself in danger for you. His hand was in your hair and you felt him talking but your sobs and choked breathing stopped you from actually hearing what he was saying. “Breathe. Come on Y/N breathe, it’s okay!” He looked as terrified as you felt, his green eyes wide as he looked at you panicked. 

Reaching out towards him you pulled him in, your lips resting against his as you tried to calm yourself. It wasn’t much of a kiss, wet from tears and snot but he held you there against him, a firm presence against you. Letting you ground yourself however you needed to. 

“Shit she took your hand off.” That voice, Reiner. The armored titan. Pushing yourself back from Bertholdt you looked at him with wide eyes, the fear on his face different as he looked between you and Reiner. “What the hell are you doing here?” 

He was talking to you, you knew that within reason, but your eyes were locked onto Bertholdt’s arm. His hand was missing, that must have been what your blade hit. Steam was already rising from it, healing itself. Reminding you why you were out here, why you were almost killed. The lies, the betrayal, the fact that the man who you loved and who risked his life to save you was the colossal titan.


	3. Chapter 3

Staring at the steam coming off of Bertholdt’s hand your mind was racing. You were still trying to come to terms with how close to death you were. If Bertholdt had stepped in one second later you would be dead right now and nothing you’d ever done would have mattered. You wouldn’t be standing here at all, you’d have been just another casualty of the titans and no one left alive would care. The scouts already thought you dead and Bertholdt had already left you behind, there was no way he could have expected you to follow him. 

Tears started to fall in waves as you wrapped your arms around yourself. You wished you could reach out and hold him but you couldn’t, you couldn’t face what he was yet. It was stupid, you’d come out here knowing that. You’d come out here to talk to him and hear what he had to say but you couldn’t even reach out to him right now. That made the tears fall harder, your body shake even more. Why did you even come out here if you were just going to act like this? If you couldn’t face him you should have taken your chance back with the MP’s. 

“We have to get back up there. We can’t stay on the ground here for too long, we’ll interrogate her when we’re safe.” Interrogate. You were a threat right now, you weren’t anything but that and Reiner was very clear about that. 

A harsh sob left you and you felt a hand on your shoulders, “Shh no you have to be quiet y/n.” Bertholdt. “We have to get up the wall, it’s too dangerous down here. Just… hold onto me okay?” You managed to stop the sobs and let him hold onto you and use the ODM gear to climb the wall. The titan’s body was gone by now, turned to steam but you still stared. It was easier staring at that than looking at Bertholdts missing hand or the ODM gear you knew he only got from eating one of the other Scouts. 

When you were safely atop the wall he let you go, he stepped back but kept his eyes on you. Watching you wearily as if he was waiting for something to happen, for you to make a move. You’d never seen him look at you like this before, like if you made one wrong move he’d do whatever it took to stop you. And you knew he would, everything in you was telling you that he could hurt you, would if he had to. But the part of you that followed him was still inside you, reminding you that you loved him enough to leave everything behind. To betray your friends and comrades. 

His eyes though, more than being on you were on Reiner. He was the one glaring, he’d been the one to say they’d interrogate you. Bertholdt might have been worried about what you would do but it was clear he was even more afraid of what his friend would do. The pair of them looked at you as you stood pathetically in front of them, clothes stained in blood, still catching your breath and your face red from crying. If it was any other situation you’d have felt embarrassed to be seen like this, especially by Bertholdt. But you couldn’t bring yourself to care, you’d risked everything to get here, to see him again. You knew there would be a chance that you came here only to die. You’d accepted that. 

“Oh this is priceless” Ymir was standing behind the two of them not even trying to hide her amusement. “Y/N followed you out here? Who knew you had so much game?” His face heat up and he turned away from the smirking woman who was walking towards the three of you. 

“We don’t know that.” Reiner’s voice stopped her from continuing. “They could have been sent by the scouts to find us.” His tone made you wince but you could understand his caution. Looking to Bertholdt you wanted him to say something, voice that you wouldn’t have done that, but he was stills silent. Hiding in himself like he used to around you. You’d hoped he’d at least understand why you followed, maybe he was too afraid to have hope. 

Ymir looked at you for a moment, you could see that she wanted to say something but she didn’t, maybe she too understood why he was being cautious. But it didn’t help you, you still wanted to yell at him and tell him that you were the one who should be afraid. The three of them could turn into titans, he and Bertholdt had killed countless people. You were one person, even if you lead the Scouts here what could they really do this deep into titan territory? They’d lost countless just as far as they had gone. Going any further would have been suicide. 

Shaking your head you wanted to yell, tell him that you’d never do something like that. Even knowing what you did now, you just wanted to know what was real and what Bertholdt had made up. “No!” Your voice wasn’t even close to the yell you’d wanted it to be but you still managed to speak. They looked at you though, all three of them staring at you, but your eyes were only on Bertholdt. “You think I would risk my life for that? They left me!” Your words hit you again and you realized again that you’d literally been left to die. “They all left me to die out there! You left me out there!” 

He winced at the accusation, unable to look at you and face that he had left you. Maybe they thought you were dead but they didn’t even try to check. They’d risked everything for Eren and yet they couldn’t take a minute to see if anyone was alive. If it had been anyone else they wouldn’t have left them, Mikasa, Armin, Jean… they’d all have been looked for. But not you. “Did you even care?” He looked at you, eyes wide and mouth open but you cut him off. “I could have died. I should be dead but some Garrison soldier I’ve met once in my life saved me. And you… you left me. You didn’t even —” Your eyes went to Ymir, “She tried to take Christa but you didn’t even say anything to me.” A laugh escaped you as you looked at Bertholdt, the anger on his face replaced with something else, shame maybe? “Was it easier? Was leaving me behind, letting me die easier for you?”

By now you weren’t even crying, your eyes stung and you could feel tears pricking the backs of your eyes but you felt numb. You wanted to shake him, demand he say something and not just stare at you like he was. You could see him try to form words but stuttered over them before he was able to get out a protest. “Of course I did.” He sounded broken and everything in you wanted to run to him, but you couldn’t let yourself.

Looking at Bertholdt right now did nothing but make you want to forget everything you’d wanted to ask. Finding out why, you wanted to accept him again without question, let him do whatever he wanted and you couldn’t do that. Forcing yourself to look at Reiner a wave of pride went through you when you realized he did look at least a little guilty. “You really think I almost died to report you to the scouts? I wouldn’t do something to purposely hurt the person I love.” Your voice dripped with venom and you knew it hurt him, probably more so that you weren’t even talking to him. “I just…” you felt the adrenaline and anger fading and leaving you once again with the pain “I had to find you. To know if anything was real, if we were real.” 

Covering your face with your hands you had to hold yourself back from crying again. Digging your psalms into your eyes you forced yourself to not cry. Maybe you should have just gone back to Wall Rose, you’d hoped maybe he would have been happy to see you but after he saved you he’d only stood there. He let Reiner take over once again. You needed to talk to him, not Reiner, you didn’t care what Reiner did. Bertholdt was the reason you were here now and if he wasn’t going to tell you anything then there wasn’t a reason to stay here. There was no reason for him to save you from that titan. 

“Y/N.” Bertholdt’s voice was quiet when he spoke to you, you could hear him walking towards you. “Of course it was real.” When he touched you, you winced and you heard him take in a sharp breath. “I couldn’t tell you I —“ Stopping himself he leaned in closer to you, his voice a little more than a whisper. “Can we just go talk. Please?” Letting your hands fall from your eyes you nodded, he looked back to Reiner and motioned for him to go. The other man looked hesitant but he eventually turned away from the two of you. 

Bertholdt’s hand twitched at his side and you thought he was going to offer you his hand like he usually would when you were alone but he stopped himself. Slowly you started to walk after him, your arms wrapped tightly around yourself. This was why you followed him, to hear what he had to say and find out the truth. But the idea of hearing something you didn’t want was terrifying. You wanted this to just be a bad dream, something you’d made up in your head but that wasn’t the truth and you couldn’t pretend like it was. 

You weren’t sure how long you both walked along the wall but you kept your eyes on his back. Usually you walked along with him, Bertholdt slowing his steps if he needed to, to make sure you were keeping up with him. But if he tried to slow down here you slowed more, you were fine to trail behind him. It was better that way. You weren’t sure if you could actually look at him right now, you had to figure out what you even wanted to say to him, hope you could actually think of what you wanted to ask, needed to know. 

Right now all you knew was that you needed to know if he ever actually felt anything for you. Saying everything else could come later, the fact that he’d destroyed the wall, the fact that he’d killed hundreds of people… to you that was second. As selfish as it was you almost didn’t care. What he’d done to others, it was horrible and to some unforgivable but you loved him. To you he could never be that monster, not as long as you and he were real. You’d risked everything to follow him here, knowing what he was and what he’d done. You’d accepted that as the truth, to people he hurt he was a monster, but to you he was the light. Letting him go without listening to him wasn’t an option for you. 

Bertholdt stopped walking, he didn’t say anything, didn’t even look at you. He walked to the edge and stared out, “I didn’t want any of this.” He said that before, when you and the others confronted he and Reiner. “I just wanted my dad to be okay. No matter what I had to do it was supposed to be worth it so he could get help.” So the part about his dad being sick was true, at least that meant that not everything was a lie, maybe most things weren’t but you couldn’t be sure. “I’ve tried to make it feel like it did in the beginning but nothing feels the same.” 

The words felt stuck in your throat, you knew what you wanted to ask and that you had to ask. But the idea of rejection burned your mind, these were the questions that would tell you if you made the right choice or if this was the biggest mistake of your life. Depending on what he said you were outside the wall alone with no way of getting back. You’d committed treason and betrayed your friends for nothing. But you couldn’t hold it off anymore, this was your life that you were putting in his hands. 

Stepping closer to him you felt him look at you but you couldn’t do the same, “What changed?” From you spot on the wall you could see a titan in the far distance. A symbol of what kind of danger you were really in out here.

Bertholdt looked at you with sad eyes, the same ones he looked at you with when you used to talk about the future too much. You’d though it was just because you were both soldiers, Scouts. “Seeing everything happen, hearing people’s stories and making friends. The fact that for once in my life I actually felt like I belonged and didn’t have to prove myself to anyone.” There was a hint of a smile on his face, “And mostly you.” Your heart sped up when he said that. “I tried for so long to stop myself, to push you away but it never worked like that.” 

Letting out a soft laugh you nodded, he was right. He’d try to keep his distance from you but you wouldn’t give up on talking to him. Not when you could see him looking at you when he thought you didn’t know. The way he’d blush when he was caught or the way he’d stutter when you spoke to him. That still hadn’t gone away, when you caught his eyes he’d blush, he was always so nervous and quiet but it didn’t stop him from reaching out and taking your hand or kissing your cheek. Even if there was a blush on his face he wasn’t hesitant to show you affection when you were alone. 

In public, he wasn’t affectionate but you didn’t need him to be, he was still at your side and making sure that you were safe during missions. You loved him, he was your world and you had believed that you were at least part of his. In your mind you’d already decided your future was with him, if he took back his home like he said or if you stayed as soldiers your whole life. Whatever he did you wanted to follow. It didn’t matter to you how young you were. As a Scout your days were numbered before you really started counting them, you’d watched countless friends and people die so you couldn’t hesitate to fall head first into him.

You couldn’t focus on those memories though, they’d do nothing but make you upset if this didn’t end well. “Did you ever love me?” Your voice cracked and as much as you’d been able to hold it in before you couldn’t stop yourself from tearing up. You needed him to say yes, you wanted him to say yes. “Was any of it ever real?” This was the man you loved more than anything, you gave up everything to follow him here and now it was the moment of truth. 

“What?” Your eyes were on him in an instant, he was looking at you like you were crazy. “Do you really think that I would… lie about that?” Every part of you wanted to be relieved by that and there was a part of you that was. But the fact that there were so many other lies, it wasn’t something you could accept so quickly. Even if you wanted to. “Do… do you really think that?” 

Wiping the tears that started falling you let out a shaking laugh, “I don’t know anything about you Bertholdt—” 

“You do!” He grabbed your hands and held them, the fear he’d had before of touching you apparently gone. “I told you everything I could, more than I’ve told anyone. You know things that not even Reiner or Annie know.” How he could tell you everything but leave out the fact that he was a titan, the fact that he was from somewhere that you knew nothing about? It didn’t make sense. “I never really lied to you. I couldn’t tell you everything but I didn’t lie. You know more than anyone else was ever supposed to.” You couldn’t stop the tears anymore, even if you wanted to he was holding your hands in his large ones. “Every time they told me not to let it get this far I promised I wouldn’t but it did.” 

Hearing him talk like this should be making you happy, all too often he kept his feelings inside. It wasn’t like he didn’t tell you he loved you or how much you meant to him. But every time he started Bertholdt stopped himself from saying too much. Like he was afraid if he didn’t stop he was going to confess. Maybe if he didn’t stop himself like he did he’d end up telling you everything, confessing everything to you about who he was and what he’d done. Would that have made any difference now? What would you have done if he did tell you before? You supposed the fact that you were standing here now told you what you needed to know. You’d have followed him. 

His hands were shaking as they held onto yours and your first instinct was to comfort him but you had to stop yourself. You couldn’t get the answers you needed if you held onto him instead of forcing this talk. Things would be so much easier if you could just fall into him, you wanted to just be held and told everything would be okay. Nothing was ever that simple in this world. 

Grounding yourself in the feeling of his hands you focused on reality and not the dream world you wanted to go off into. The callouses on his hands, the warmth, his long fingers running over the tops of yours. “Why did you? If you knew you were just going to leave me like this why did you even bother getting close to me? You told me you had a future with me but on the wall you.” Again you thought about Ymir trying to bring Christa with her, that she’d been willing to do anything to get the other woman with her. “You didn’t even look at me.” 

You never wanted to see him upset but the look of guilt that passed over his face did give you a type of satisfaction. “I did want that.” Shaking his head Bertholdt stuttered for a moment, “I do want that.” That was what you wanted to believe, you wanted to have a future with him, “I wanted to tell you. I wanted you know the truth but how do I say that? How do I tell you the truth about what I am? The things I’ve done.” You’d lived in Wall Maria, it was because of their actions that you lost your home, your father. 

Everything in you was telling you that you should hate him but you couldn’t. Bertholdt was everything to you and you knew that. Even standing here, with him telling you that he’d done horrible things, after seeing him kill one of the scouts you both knew. He was what you wanted, you’d do anything for him. All you could do was hope that he would still do the same for you. You didn’t know how to tell him that you didn’t care about that, because it wasn’t the entire truth. He’d done terrible things, killed so many people but the love you felt for him… that was more important to you. 

Moving your hands up his arms he stared at you as you gripped his arms tightly. You didn’t really know what you were doing, you were just desperate for some kind of contact. This man was the reason you were out here, why you risked your life and betrayed your friends and comrades. “I love you. I want to be with you I don’t… I don’t care about that.” His green eyes were wide as he looked at you, your hands desperately gripping his arms, you were sure there would be nail marks on his skin. “But if you want me to go then I will. Just tell me and you’ll never see me again. I’ll leave and no one will know where you guys are.” 

A plea for either acceptance or an easier rejection. As long as he let you leave if he wanted you gone you could handle it. Death was the other option. The worst one, the one that scared you the most when you decided to follow him. Burying your face in his chest you waited for him to say something, anything. You loved him enough to forgive him for everything he’d ever done wrong. He just needed to love you enough to believe you. 

Long arms wrapped around you, pulling you against his chest. Slowly you let go of his arms and pressed your palms against his chest holding onto his sweater. “I love you.” You’d never heard him say it so clearly before, so confidently. “I’ll figure out how to take you home with me. I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3rd chapter! feedback is loved and I hope you guys enjoy it!

**Author's Note:**

> you can also find it on wattpad and tumblr! both @jeankirstins let me know if you enjoy! I really hope you do!


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